This is going to be a story. A particular event from my life. The immediate trigger for this is another post I made on my Tumblr page. You can find it here. As you will see the post was intended to correct the wrong information being publicized in an American publication about something that happened at a temple in the Indian state of Kerala, the place my family is from. After I posted this, I started thinking about what my position is with respect to religion and the concept of God. My way of thinking about these issues has gone through a lot of change in the recent years but it has not yet solidified. While I am fairly certain about rejection of any organized religion, especially those inclined to being dogmatic, I am not so sure about the existence or absence of a superior power. Since I feel much better writing about something as a process of contemplation rather than thinking in air, I decided to write my thoughts down here. There is also another reason. When the incident that I am going to narrate below happened, it included a rather painful experience that I normally do not like to remember but keeps coming back to me during the bouts of depression that I periodically still go through. One reason, I think, this keeps coming back is because I have never discussed this with anybody in my life. I am hoping that putting it down here might relieve me of the pain.
I studied in a boarding school till the tenth grade and did not have much freedom or exposure to the world outside. Even during my undergraduate university years, when I lived in my parents' house, I did not have much opportunity to explore and know the world around me because of my father being an authoritarian and excessively protective. The incident I want to talk to you about happened during the last year of my under-graduation. In May of that year we went to Kerala for a relative's wedding. The entrance examination for admissions to master's program at Andhra University (located in Visakhapatnam, the city where we lived) was scheduled on the Sunday following the wedding. There was an unfortunate accident to one of my mother's brothers just ahead of the wedding. So, my mother and rest of the family decided to stay back and I had to go back to our place alone so I don't miss the exam. Anyone who has ever tried to travel around in India during summer vacations in May will attest to how difficult it is to get a train ticket confirmed. For that journey from Shoranur to Visakhapatnam by Bokaro Express, I could only manage to get a wait-listed ticket. One of my uncles assured that he knew someone who could 'arrange' for me to get a confirmed birth on the train. After we reached the train station, this arranging person turned out to be a railway porter who in turn introduced me to a TTE (sort of a ticket supervisor in Indian Railways) on that train. After some money changed hands, the uncle, assured of my reserved berth, said goodbye and left. A couple of stops after the train had left Shoranur, the TTE came around to where I was sitting and asked to check my ticket. Having been assured earlier, I assumed that he had come to allot me a berth to sit. After looking at my ticket he appeared surprised that I had a wait-listed ticket. "This is a waiting list ticket. Don't you know you can't enter the reservation compartment with a waiting list ticket? Get off at the next station and go to the general compartment". I protested and reminded him of the bribe that my uncle paid him. He, of course, denied getting any money from me. "Not me, but my uncle paid you. It is that bald man who came along with porter Hamsa at Shoranur". Probably because there were other people sitting there, this talk of money only seemed to anger him further. "Get out right now. Go stand near the door till next stop". I protested some more. "Will you go or should I call the police". The mention of police scared me.
I proceeded to the compartment door without any further talk. I stood there for a while and after may be a couple of hours, the TTE happened to pass by that door again. "Why are you still here? Didn't I tell you to get off and go to general compartment?" I didn't know what to say. After a little silence, "OK, look you seem to be from a good family. I have a free berth in the AC compartment. If you have money to pay the extra fare, I can give it to you ". I was happy. There is hope after all. "How much do I have to give you", I asked. I don't remember the exact amount he asked for. How much ever it was, I do remember that I did not have that much money and I told him. How much can you pay, he asked me. I only had about 500-600 rupees. That is not enough, he said. Get out at the next station if you don't have the money or I will hand you over to the police, he further warned me. "I have an exam on Sunday. That's why I was forced to travel without reservation. Please help me", I pleaded. He came close to me and said "OK, if you don't have money, there are other ways to pay". Before I could even understand what he had said, my pants was unzipped and he was touching my privates. I did not know what was happening. At that point in my life, I had never even thought that men could be molested, let alone by other men. I was shocked and scared at once. I tried to free myself but couldn't. What happened in the next few minutes is not very clear in my mind. I don't even know how much time passed. But at the point when my memory of that day returns, I was still standing at the train door but the TTE is not near me anymore. He was talking to another young man, probably a little older than me, about getting his own ticket confirmed. After the TTE left, the man smiled at me and walked away into the other compartment. To this day, I am not sure if he had seen me in trouble and come to help me or if I am just imagining things.
I did not see him again till that night. I found a vacant seat and sat there till the train reached Chennai. I had to move out after the people who had reserved that seat boarded in Chennai. I was once again back at the door and decided to somehow spend the night sitting there. After being there for a while, I saw him once again. He said he had met a Malayali family who were travelling with kids. They had got separate berths reserved for the two kids who were now going to sleep with their parents. So there were spare berths and they offered one to him. There was some luggage on the other but if I did not have a problem, I could sleep on it. I was more than happy to take anything if I can get out of the cold doorway. So, I slept that night on half a berth. It was not comfortable but warm and safe. By next morning, many people had gotten off the train and there were many spare seats for illegal occupants like the two of us to sit on. I got to know him a little more that day. He was Christian priest who had just finished his seminary training and was going to a remote village in Orissa to take up his first assignment. He asked about me, my family, what I was doing and what I wanted to do. I had brought along a big bottle of water for the journey. When the train reached Visakhapatnam and I was about to get off, he asked if I could leave that bottle of water for him. I was only too happy to be able to do something for him. We parted with the promise of meeting again at some point in our lives.
Its been a long time since then. I got through the exam, completed masters, got a PhD and now am a postdoc. Have lived in Chennai, New York and Vancouver. But I often look back to that day and think how things could have been. That's how one of my encounters with what I think might be God happened.
I proceeded to the compartment door without any further talk. I stood there for a while and after may be a couple of hours, the TTE happened to pass by that door again. "Why are you still here? Didn't I tell you to get off and go to general compartment?" I didn't know what to say. After a little silence, "OK, look you seem to be from a good family. I have a free berth in the AC compartment. If you have money to pay the extra fare, I can give it to you ". I was happy. There is hope after all. "How much do I have to give you", I asked. I don't remember the exact amount he asked for. How much ever it was, I do remember that I did not have that much money and I told him. How much can you pay, he asked me. I only had about 500-600 rupees. That is not enough, he said. Get out at the next station if you don't have the money or I will hand you over to the police, he further warned me. "I have an exam on Sunday. That's why I was forced to travel without reservation. Please help me", I pleaded. He came close to me and said "OK, if you don't have money, there are other ways to pay". Before I could even understand what he had said, my pants was unzipped and he was touching my privates. I did not know what was happening. At that point in my life, I had never even thought that men could be molested, let alone by other men. I was shocked and scared at once. I tried to free myself but couldn't. What happened in the next few minutes is not very clear in my mind. I don't even know how much time passed. But at the point when my memory of that day returns, I was still standing at the train door but the TTE is not near me anymore. He was talking to another young man, probably a little older than me, about getting his own ticket confirmed. After the TTE left, the man smiled at me and walked away into the other compartment. To this day, I am not sure if he had seen me in trouble and come to help me or if I am just imagining things.
I did not see him again till that night. I found a vacant seat and sat there till the train reached Chennai. I had to move out after the people who had reserved that seat boarded in Chennai. I was once again back at the door and decided to somehow spend the night sitting there. After being there for a while, I saw him once again. He said he had met a Malayali family who were travelling with kids. They had got separate berths reserved for the two kids who were now going to sleep with their parents. So there were spare berths and they offered one to him. There was some luggage on the other but if I did not have a problem, I could sleep on it. I was more than happy to take anything if I can get out of the cold doorway. So, I slept that night on half a berth. It was not comfortable but warm and safe. By next morning, many people had gotten off the train and there were many spare seats for illegal occupants like the two of us to sit on. I got to know him a little more that day. He was Christian priest who had just finished his seminary training and was going to a remote village in Orissa to take up his first assignment. He asked about me, my family, what I was doing and what I wanted to do. I had brought along a big bottle of water for the journey. When the train reached Visakhapatnam and I was about to get off, he asked if I could leave that bottle of water for him. I was only too happy to be able to do something for him. We parted with the promise of meeting again at some point in our lives.
Its been a long time since then. I got through the exam, completed masters, got a PhD and now am a postdoc. Have lived in Chennai, New York and Vancouver. But I often look back to that day and think how things could have been. That's how one of my encounters with what I think might be God happened.
